The situation
Every time my family gets together it ends in the same argument. My brother and I start on politics or money, old grievances come up, and someone leaves upset. I’m already dreading Christmas and I don’t know how to stop it happening again.
Your situation, reframed
AI interpretationIt is wearing to love people and still dread seeing them, and the frustration is understandable. But a recurring argument is a pattern with two sides, and you only control one of them. The Stoic question is not how to make your brother stop, but how you will take hold of the next gathering: what you will say, and what you will leave unsaid.
The dichotomy of control
AI interpretationYours to act on
- Which topics you raise, and when you change the subject
- Your tone, and whether you need to win the point
- How you prepare beforehand and review afterwards
- Leaving the room calmly when it starts to turn
Not yours
- Your brother’s opinions and how he expresses them
- Old grievances that other relatives bring up
- Who takes whose side
- Whether anyone else changes their habits
The Stoics said
Verbatim from the source · full citationsEpictetus, Enchiridion 43
Everything has two handles, the one by which it may be borne, the other by which it may not. If your brother acts unjustly, do not lay hold of the act by that handle wherein he acts unjustly, for this is the handle which cannot be borne: but lay hold of the other, that he is your brother, that he was nurtured with you, and you will lay hold of the thing by that handle by which it can be borne.
Seneca, On Anger 2.34
… If anyone is angry with you, meet his anger by returning benefits for it: a quarrel which is only taken up on one side falls to the ground: it takes two men to fight. But suppose that there is an angry struggle on both sides, even then, he is the better man who first gives way; the winner is the real loser. He struck you; well then, do you fall back: if you strike him in turn you will give him both an opportunity and an excuse for striking you again: you will not be able to withdraw yourself from the struggle when you please.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.9
As those who try to stand in thy way when thou art proceeding according to right reason, will not be able to turn thee aside from thy proper action, so neither let them drive thee from thy benevolent feelings towards them, but be on thy guard equally in both matters, not only in the matter of steady judgement and action, but also in the matter of gentleness towards those who try to hinder or otherwise trouble thee. …
What this means here
AI interpretationEpictetus, Enchiridion 43
Epictetus takes the case of a brother who behaves unjustly and offers a simple image: every situation can be picked up by one of two handles. Grab it by the injustice and it is unbearable; grab it by the fact that he is your brother, raised alongside you, and you can carry it. This does not mean pretending he is right about politics or money. It means choosing, before the argument starts, which fact about him you will hold on to.
Translation note: Nurtured with you means brought up with you, in the same home.
Seneca, On Anger 2.34
Seneca’s advice here covers quarrels with equals, superiors and people below us, and much of it fits a family table. A quarrel needs two people; if one stops taking it up, it falls to the ground. When both sides are heated, he argues, the better person is the one who gives way first. Giving way means stepping out of the fight, not agreeing that your brother is right about politics or money. He also calls it unjust for anyone to inherit a father’s quarrels, which is worth remembering when old family grievances are carried into a new evening.
Translation note: Sulla was a Roman dictator who drove his enemies’ sons into exile. Seneca’s examples include being struck; his point is about refusing to escalate a quarrel, not about putting up with violence, which no one should have to endure.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.9
Marcus is writing to himself about people who stand in his way, and he guards two things at once: his own judgement, and his goodwill towards them. You do not have to give up your views to keep the peace, and you do not have to give up your affection to keep your views. He counts being vexed at them as a weakness, a kind of deserting your post, because it cuts you off from someone who is by nature kin.
Translation note: Benevolent feelings means goodwill; to be vexed is to be irritated; deserters from their post are soldiers who abandon their position.
Together, the passages give you a plan rather than a truce you cannot enforce. Before the visit, decide which handle you will take your brother by. During it, hold your opinions without needing to win, let goodwill rather than irritation steer what you say, and when the old argument starts, be the first to step out of it. Your family may not change, but the argument often does when one person stops playing their usual part.
One action for today
AI interpretationMorning preparation
Before the next gathering, choose one topic you will not raise and one calm phrase you will use when the old argument starts, for example that you see it differently and would rather hear how he is. Decide in advance that you will be the first to give way, which means leaving the fight, not your view. On the day, use the phrase once, then change the subject or step outside for a few minutes. Afterwards, note what set things off, so you can plan for it next time.
A line to carry
“Everything has two handles, the one by which it may be borne, the other by which it may not.”
— Epictetus, Enchiridion 43